One realizes, if she is a writer, at some point that she must simply write. It seems obvious however, after you have been writing on one subject for years - for one thesis, two books and multiple articles worth of years - the notion of beginning anew on something else, something totally different is simply quite daunting. You are excited and yet also shudder; you know this other subject so well - so intimately - that the mere notion of not writing about it again and again and again (even though frankly one is sick to death of Alaska aviation at this point) is almost enough to send you under the covers.

(If you could flee to the covers - the child and dog do demand attention however, so fleeing really is not an option.)

I have two book ideas - one fiction and one nonfiction. I have always worked on multiple things at once, although in the past it was the fiction and nonfiction approaches to the same subject (which is a whole different kind of crazy but still worked). The western book is a nonfiction exploration of why certain men seemed compelled to get lost in the mountains or the plains. Some of them die, some of them almost die and some of them are saved in spite of their apparent determination to die. I am reading about the missing and the dead and as much as I wish this was not about Chris McCandless it likely will be very much about him because being in Alaska when he died and when Into the Wild was published meant talking his death to death in everything from classrooms to bars and really - the whole thing still drives me nuts. So hopefully this will be a somewhat sarcastic but still grounded in historical fact, literary look at why some people go away into the wild (literally) and why others can't seem to get enough of thinking that is just a great way to go.

Or in other words, when did being prepared become a bad thing?

That is a piecework book - which is how I wrote the others, one section at a time which come together at the very end. There is a lot of ongoing research into the lives of those I know a bit about but not entirely everything about. And that is all interesting reading. But it is not ready to be written yet - a couple of months from that I think. (Other than the outline writing of what should go in each chapter on each of the lost.) And that means not writing and not writing is just not good. I feel out of shape and restless with all this not writing. So I turn to the second project, the novel - the plot driven, more traditionally crafted novel. And that character looks at me and tells me exactly what she has to say and yet I'm hesitant a bit because I'm not entirely sure of where she should be (geographically) and also whether a novel about a freshman in college needs to include romance. It would not be part of the main plot; it has no bearing on the story I envision and yet I wonder if because one nearly always does have romantic interests while in college then it would seem strange not to have one in this case.

I had them - they did not end well but I had them. (Okay, one ended well, one was a romantic tragedy of epic proportions - at least to my 21 year old self - and one led to a long term post college relationship that then did not end well.) (Maybe I have my own reasons for ignoring college romances....)

So I tap my fingers and stare at the keys and talk to my characters and tell them yes, yes, yes, I know they are impatient to get this whole thing going but I just can't seem to get it all going without knowing everything. I think this is just fear of the blank page but it has been so long since I have not known exactly 100% what I am writing that I find myself doubting every attempt. I wonder if my idea is a good idea at all, and if I can translate what is in my head to the page and if any of this indeed matters when my other books - completely written and wholly original - languish on the desks of so many uninterested editors that well, this writing business could just all be a colossal waste of time.

Writers do doubt themselves on occasion, you know. It's pretty much the only thing we do consistently well.

Sometimes, when you aren't sure if you should write, or even how to begin the writing, you find yourself venting your frustration (which is entirely with yourself). And that is what this is. And I will get past it. And I will write. But I don't think it's going to happen tonight.